Now & Then

I am one of those Christians that Atheists and Agnostics make fun of. I am Christian in large part because I was raised in the church. Mostly, I've never questioned the existence of God because I'd seen Him at work too much to deny Him. What my critics might not understand is that just because I grew up in the church doesn't mean that I was always Johnny Do-Good Christian, as I'm sure my early college friends can attest to. And, there is a different kind of denial, which is just walking away from God. In my late teens and early twenties, that is how I denied God's existence, by walking away.

I remember a time where I lived on an Native American reservation. I visited some people that lived in a run-down house with no windows. Meaning, there were places for the windows to go, but there were no panes of glass, just empty frames letting in the elements. In many ways that house mirrored my life back then. It was in disrepair, incomplete, and vulnerable.

As I reflect upon those times, I see that God was not so eager to ditch me like I did to Him. In the study of theology I have come upon some of the writings of John Calvin, one of the protestant reformers, that has struck me. I find this interesting because I disagree with a couple of the five points of Calvinism (T.U.L.I.P) and I have an Arminian interpretation of pre-destination. A good theologian, however, does not throw the baby out with the bathwater. On the topic of the Holy Spirit, Calvin suggests that the Spirit, who is God in action, performs a secret work in the life of a believer. The work comes to completion because the Spirit accomplishes what he intends to do. So, was the Spirit working in me secretly?

I believe the answer is, yes. One bright example is when I was helping my parents and a few other people with something called an Alpha course. The program provides the ABCs of Christianity to skeptics and faith seekers. In this case it was being taught at a Catholic church and many of the attendees were older people who identified as Catholic, but had left the church sometime earlier in their lives. After one of the meetings, my father came to me and said how much the older Catholics loved what I had to say and how impressed they were that such a young person could have such insight. When I think about it now, it excites me that I had a part in reigniting people's faith. 

During that time though I wondered if my father was just exaggerating, but also, it scared me and made me want to run even more. I was living a life of false faces. I was telling all my theater friends that I was a Christian and yet I was openly chasing promiscuity and was a borderline alcoholic. I failed them, I failed my identity, and God. I became comfortable with failure and resigned to it. 

Yet, the Spirit accomplishes what it intends to do. Soon God reveals His secrets with the passage of time. In the gospel of John, before Christ began washing his disciples feet he says "You do not know now what I am doing, but later you will understand (John 13:7 NRSV)," and I find this shares relevance to where I am now. I am not attributing the trouble I experienced because of him, that was all on me, but I do believe God was working in my life in a way that I didn't understand until I was ready to. I didn't understand that God was preparing me for a special role during those Alpha meetings, but seeing the passion I have now for teaching those who seek to learn, or edifying those who need a jolt of faith, I have come to see the lengths God goes to in working in His creations' lives.

I am still friends with many of the people I knew in my early twenties. I don't truly know what they think of my faith now. Do they think that this is just another phase? I can only hope they some kind of fruit in my life that presents me as genuine in my beliefs. In the end though I believe that through God I have experienced a renewal of life. I no longer seem to be that run-down house, but one that has been restored with tender loving care. I look forward to seeing how God is still working in my life and what will be revealed when He thinks I'm ready. 

You can be restored too. If you have any questions, I'll do my best to answer them.